This question was put to me the other day over lunch by a close friend who I had not seen for a number of years. I hasten to add that he is not about to tell his wife this. They are both still Mormon. However, we had a great conversation about all kinds of things, and this question came up. I could tell he was moved by what we talked about in that regard, and so decided to record the essence of our conversation.
Here are the guts of the essay for those who like short as opposed to long reads.
I suggested to my friend that if he ever decided to leave Mormonism, that he try something like this. He could look his wife in the eye, tell her how much he loves her, and tell her that he chooses to be with her. He wants the kind of life they have together. He knows that he could have a short term hormonal rush if he had an affair or left her to start a relationship with another woman, and that he chooses not to do this because he wants the long-term intimacy that he has with his wife to continue to grow, and he does not want to be with any other woman. He has decided what he wants, and that is his wife. No one else will do because of who she is and their history together. He is not doing this because he is afraid of punishments that might come to him after death. He is not afraid of losing any rewards after death or during this life. He has studied the nature of relationships in general and his marriage in particular as carefully as he can, and he is absolutely committed to her and her alone.
Then, I suggested that he promise his wife that he would dedicate a significant amount of the additional time, energy and money that they will have outside of Mormonism to her. He can tell her that he wants to learn how to love her and enjoy her company more than ever before. This is not just making love. This is the whole deal – regular weekends together in interesting places; taking classes together (dancing classes if she insists); exploring a wonderful world together. He wants to both of them to choose to focus more energy on the things that will build their relationship, and he is more excited about this than anything else in his new world.
He can remind her that they are still young and energetic, but not infinitely so. Time is slipping by more quickly as each year passes. While they have their youth and energy, he wants to direct that toward her, and learn how to love her more completely. And he is doing that because that is what he has decided he values. Our behavior, including our choices, are driven by what we value.
I told my friend that he should expect his wife to be skeptical. He will need to endure a period of time where he proves the value of what he has promised by the way he treats her. Over time, however, by acting in a manner consistent with what he has told her, he can mount a very persuasive argument. I told him not to attempt to fight emotional battleships with an intellectual rowboat. She will probably not be convinced by the books he asks her to read. But there is a reasonable chance that she will be swayed by the experience of being part of a more positive, energetic and loving marriage than she has ever experienced.
For those who prefer a more meandering path, read on.
The concern re. marriage breakdown post-Mormonism is related to what I call the “chaos issue”. That is, most people believe that if they leave Mormonism (or any other close-knit, conservative religious group), everything will fall apart. The marriage will fail; they might become alcoholics and lose their jobs; the kids will probably start having indiscriminate sex, and maybe eventually decide to go to law school; etc.
The origin of this perception is in our small herd biology. We evolved with an intimate connection to a small social group. Throughout most of human history, if we were pushed out of that group or marginalized within it, the probability of death would go way up. We therefore have an existential fear with regard to anything that will put us sideways with our most important social group. This is the case even though our social environment is now so safe that we can, with impunity, change social groups. Our biology evolves much more slowly than the social environment, and so we still have these existential fears, as well as many other dysfunctional instincts (google “cognitive bias†or see http://www.mccue.cc/bob/documents/rs…. for more information in this regard). The best known of those is our instinct to eat as much sugar and fat as we can, because throughout most of human existence these were scarce substances and whenever we came across them we were well advised to consume as much as we could. In our current environment of abundance, this instinct causes many problems.
Of course, if you happen to have been raised within a close-knit, conservative social group such as Mormonism, the nagging instinct that leaving your herd is a bad thing will be supercharged. Groups of this kind go out of their way to make us feel fearful of anything outside the group. That is part of how they maintain their institutional strength. Large defection rates are obviously bad for groups. No one plans this defense mechanism. It just happens as a result of the “hive mind†that operates within human as well as many other living groups. It is safe to assume that virtually all of the people involved are well intentioned.
In any event, back to problems caused within an intimate relationship with one person decides to leave the tribe, and the other person is not ready to go. Since this was my case, and it was the case my friend and I talked about over lunch, I will speak in terms of the husband leaving and the wife staying.
The wife’s fear is that without the structure of Mormonism and the belief in an eternal marriage, the marriage will fall apart, the husband may start to cheat, etc. And, she will often say that the husband is breaking promises. He promised to be faithful to Mormonism. He promised to take her to the celestial kingdom. He may have made other promises as well. The answer to this first issue requires a bit of background.
Marriage has been traditionally a three party contract. That is, the public nature of marriage and the way in which marriage covenant is typically made at least genuflects in the direction of society, and often involves an implicit contract with society to keep the family together, raise the kids, and contribute to society instead of becoming a burden on it. The more traditional the society, the stronger this tendency and the less important romantic inclinations are with regard to marriage. Think of Hindu marriage in that regard.
In the West, we have moved more toward an individualistic conception of the marriage contract, and have increased the importance of romantic love and personal attraction relative to marriage. This applies to choosing a mate, making the marriage covenant, and the terms on which the marriage covenant will be maintained, or broken, as times passes.
Mormonism is clearly in the traditional camp in this regard. The Mormon church is an explicit party to the marriage contract. Both parties promise obedience to the Mormon institution as part of the marriage covenant. Everyone understands this.
However, most Mormons do not appreciate the fact that the Mormon church makes important implicit representations in exchange for the obedience covenant. One of those is that the basic truth claims made by the Mormon institution are true, or at least justifiable. As a matter of contract law, once fundamental representations of this nature have been found to be false, the contract has no further force. And I should note that contract law, and other aspects of law, are generally speaking far below moral standards. If someone has breached the law, it is probable that they have breached moral standards long before they reached the relatively loose moralities (a kind of lowest moral common denominator) embodied by the law. Therefore, the Mormon church’s fundamental breaches of its part of the marriage contract constitute a terrible moral violation (see http://www.mccue.cc/bob/documents/rs… for my thoughts in this regard). Both the husband and the wife have been violated in this regard. They are both justified in breaching the part of their marriage covenant that relates to the Mormon church. If one of them chooses not to do so, that does not affect the legal and moral rights of the other.
Think of, for example, a case where two friends, Bill and Joe, agreed to purchase a vacation property together. It is a wonderful piece of vacant, but developable, land in Arizona that they developer assures them is near a nice resort. Their families have vacationed together in the past, and they decided to make this a regular event. After lots of discussion and excitement about this, they found what looks like the ideal spot for them in Arizona.
Bill goes down to have a look at the land just before closing the purchase. He finds that it is located in the middle of the desert, with no access to water and no likelihood of access ever being provided. It is close to worthless. The nearest resort is miles away. Many fundamental representations regarding the property are demonstrably false.
Bill calls Joe in a panic, explains the problem, and tells Joe that he has spoken with a lawyer who advises that given the nature of the broken promises made regarding the property that they are not obliged to complete the sale. Bill says that he is going to back out, and try to get their deposit from the developer by suing, if it comes to that.
Joe is horrified. He has literally seen a vision and had various other spiritual experiences with regard to this property. He is sure that it is going to play a huge role in raising his kids the way he wants them to grow up. He will not believe that the developer lied to them, and says that even if they were lied to, he is absolutely certain that everything is going to work out fine. God sometimes works in mysterious ways.
The idea of suing the developer, who Joe has met and found to be an amazing, insightful, spiritual individual, makes Joe feel sick. After an increasingly difficult discussion in which Bill insists that he will back out of the purchase and Joe continues to try to explain how important this particular piece of property is to him, Joe finally accuses Bill of breaching the agreement between them. Joe says the Bill promised that he would buy THIS property, and that they would enjoy together. If Bill won’t go ahead with that, their friendship is over.
Bill is stunned. How can Joe not see what is going on here? “God works in mysterious ways”!? The Joe he knows does not talk like this.
Trying to calm things down, Bill assures Joe that he still wants to buy a vacation property with him, and suggests that they go out looking again, and this time that they make sure that they investigate the properties that sound interesting to them more thoroughly before committing to purchase. He reminds Joe that when they made their agreement to purchase A (not THIS) vacation property, the main point was to get something that they and their families could enjoy together, not about any particular piece of dirt. This is about a relationship, he insisted, not land. Bill pleads with Joe to think carefully about this, and makes it clear that he is still fully committed to their friendship, and wants to go ahead with their agreement to purchase a place together.
Joe will have nothing of this. He must have the property he has fallen in love with. The ideas and feelings he has had about it have become more important than anything else.
The discussion takes a turn for the worse. Bill accuses Joe of breaking promises far more important than refusing to buy one property instead of another. Joe is throwing the baby out with the bathwater, says Bill. What about their friendship? That is where this vacation property thing started. How did a silly piece of Arizona desert come between them?
Joe can’t see this angle. Bill promised to purchase a piece of property that Joe has come to love, and now Bill is walking out on him; leaving him high and dry. And to make matters worse, Bill is now trying to blame him.
Their friendship is over.
How do you feel about Joe’s position?
So, the real problem is that we sometimes can’t see things the same way (see http://www.mccue.cc/bob/documents/rs….). The example above with regard to land is perhaps strained, but serves to illustrate that point. We often are unable to see things the same way when it comes to religious beliefs as a result of the odd way in which our brains are wired. This goes mostly back to our small herd biology, as noted above. For example, I am sure that many marriages have been broken up over a difference of opinion with regard to whether the Earth is a few thousand years old, as some religious people still believe, or billions of years old. For most of us, that would seem to be a simple question. For most people outside of Mormonism, it is likewise fairly easy to determine whether Joseph Smith spoke face-to-face with God or not. The nature of our tribe and its beliefs make some things that are obvious to everyone else difficult for us to see.
So how does the husband get out from between the rock and a hard place where he finds himself? If he continues to hunker down and keeps the peace, it feels like his soul will rot. And he worries about his kids. They are being effectively conditioning by a powerful conditioning mechanism. He some ways he thinks he should act to “save†them from this. But, if he stands up and does what he feels he should, he may end up divorced with all of the nasty emotional, family and financial consequences that go with that. There is no easy answer in that regard, regrettably. However, the approach I outlined below may be of help to some people.
I apologize for another digression, but a bit more background is required.
Religion uses the stick and carrot related to life after death to ingrain certain kinds of behavior. If you believe in the afterlife posited by your religion, and all of the punishments and rewards that go with it, that gives your religious leaders great power over you. Again, we can recognize the silliness of this belief in other religions, but not with regard to our own. Become a martyr for the Muslim Faith, and you get 70 virgins. (Personally, having been married and had a large family for many years, I would want to find out exactly what my relationship to the 70 women was going to be like before I venture down that path.) Or, how about the way in which Catholics can pay money to their church and simply buy a loved one’s place in that condo in the sky?
Mormons think these ideas are ridiculous, and yet will donate large amounts of money and most of their spare time to the Mormon church in order for the benefits promised to those who make it into the Celestial Kingdom after death.
So, what can we know about life after death? Not much. Are we justified in making significant investments now with regard to promises anyone makes to us with regard to what will happen to us after death? Simply, no.
Once this idea sinks in, a lot of our decision-making changes. We become more focused on the present. That is not to say that we ignore the future entirely. Much of our success and enjoyment in life is related to our ability to defer gratification – to educate ourselves; to save; to work hard; etc. I have not changed much in that regard. However, I think as clearly as I can in terms of whether the effort or sacrifice I’m making in the present is worth the potential future reward. If not, I enjoy the present, and if the future reward toward which I am working finally appears, I enjoy that.
In general, I spend much more time and energy in the present than ever before. With things like a nice cappuccino, a glass of wine with dinner, etc. the decision is simple. These are healthy for my body, enjoyable in the moment, enhance social experience, and the only reason I ever avoided them is because of their potential to produce problems for me after death. No longer believing in the after death problems opens up a huge realm of additional experience during this life.
With regard to personal relationships in particular, the fear of chaos outside of Mormonism leads some people to believe that if they (or their spouse) leave Mormonism and abandon their belief with regard to eternal marriage, this will mean that their marriage will end. They think that the eternal carrot is a big part of what keeps their marriage on track. Once you get a little perspective in this regard, that is either indicative of the weak marriage or more probably, a simple misunderstanding of what makes your marriage worth having in any event.
So, I suggested to my friend that if he ever decided to leave Mormonism, that he try something like this. He could look his wife in the eye, tell her how much he loves her, and tell her that he chooses to be with her. He wants the kind of life they have together. He knows that he could have a short term hormonal rush if he had an affair or left her to start a relationship with another woman, and that he chooses not to do this because he wants the long-term intimacy that he has with his wife to continue to grow, and he does not want to be with any other woman. He has decided what he wants, and that is his wife. No one else will do because of who she is and their history together. He is not doing this because he is afraid of punishments that might come to him after death. He is not afraid of losing any rewards after death or during this life. He has studied the nature of relationships in general and his marriage in particular as carefully as he can, and he is absolutely committed to her and her alone.
Then, I suggested that he promise his wife that he would dedicate a significant amount of the additional time, energy and money that they will have outside of Mormonism to her. He can tell her that he wants to learn how to love her and enjoy her company more than ever before. This is not just making love. This is the whole deal – regular weekends together in interesting places; taking classes together (dancing classes if she insists); exploring a wonderful world together. He wants to both of them to choose to focus more energy on the things that will build their relationship, and he is more excited about this than anything else in his new world.
He can remind her that they are still young and energetic, but not infinitely so. Time is slipping by more quickly as each year passes. While they have their youth and energy, he wants to direct that toward her, and learn how to love her more completely. And he is doing that because that is what he has decided he values. Our behavior, including our choices, are driven by what we value.
I told my friend that he should expect his wife to be skeptical. He will need to endure a period of time where he proves the value of what he has promised by the way he treats her. Over time, however, by acting in a manner consistent with what he has told her, he can mount a very persuasive argument. I told him not to attempt to fight emotional battleships with an intellectual rowboat. She will probably not be convinced by the books he asks her to read. But there is a reasonable chance that she will be swayed by the experience of being part of a more positive, energetic and loving marriage than she has ever experienced.
This is not empty salesmanship. Once we have studied how the world and relationships work, and we have chosen to commit ourselves to one man or one woman because we value that kind of relationship more than any other kind of intimate experience, this commitment is probably more reliable than any commitment made with regard to Mormonism. It’s uncertainties are recognized and planned for. It is not prone to fall apart because its foundation suddenly disappears. It’s benefits are far more demonstrable and tangible. And there are many contradictions within the Mormon culture, and some of those concerned marriage. The “Family First” is, for example, a ridiculous proposition for those who understand how Mormonism works. This only makes sense, for people in Mormon leadership positions in particular, if you count what Mormons think comes after death.
On the other hand, when we decide to invest our precious personal time and energy from moment to moment in only what makes sense given the possibilities now and that are reasonably foreseeable, everything changes. On that basis, we can establish values that are consistent with what we experience on a day-to-day basis, and what the most knowledgeable people on the planet with regard to how intimate relationships work tell us their studies of many other people indicate.
For example, there is nothing the matter with a man or a woman feeling attracted to other people. These attractions are a natural part of life. They can be transitory in the form of walking by an attractive person in a store or having an enjoyable chat with someone in an airport or at a party that you know you’ll never see again. Or they can be more enduring, such as the associations we sometimes develop with people with whom we work. We would not be normal if we did not feel these things. They are a natural part of life, and to be enjoyed. And as long as we understand this, and choose to limit the kind of influence this sort of relationship has in our lives while being completely committed to our primary intimate relationship, truthful with our intimate companion, and keep the promises that we have made to him or her, every other kind of human energy we are privileged to share is a blessing.
The more we understand about the way intimate relationships work, the nature of the forces that we feel pulling us in one direction or another, and the need to keep our primary intimate relationship growing, the more likely we are to be happy and successful in our pursuit of intimacy, while dealing with the inevitable pain and disappointments that come along with that part of life.
Life is good.
In Reality’s name, Amen.
Fantastic. Love the closing sentence. Thank you!